OK so large gaps between posts is not an unusual thing for me. This is largely because I have never completely worked out what this blog is FOR. I supposed, as someone who writes, that having a blog would be a good discipline - but obviously not, given my infrequent posting; and that it would be an outlet for some of the stuff going round my head, and far cheaper than therapy.
But the truth is that, once you haven't blogged for a while, it seems an odd thing to go back to. Because life has very much gone on; or rather, it's got itself stuck in a cycle of being ill, taking the tablets, getting better for a while then repeat. Since Christmas I have been in hospital twice, and am facing a third admission thanks to rather twitchy lupus. I've spent around 5 months on high dose steroids, and am on my third new medication in an effort to restore circulation to my feet. I've had many tests performed and tubes stuck in me. But if you wanted to know about what that's like you could go to a patient forum or you would already know because you would be one of the friends supporting me.
There's been good stuff too - excellent exam results for the girls; a wonderful holiday in California; our 25th wedding anniversary. Many silly moments that, in a better year, I would have blogged about in a manner that would have elicited a few smiles from some. But it's weird to blog about the shining moments when there's illness and limitation as the background to everything.
A sense of perspective is something that I would guess every sick person person struggles with. Time telescopes when you are ill. Two weeks can seem an eternity. Pain overwhelms all other thoughts. The trip to the kitchen to make a cup of tea seems a mountain to climb. The facts - that there is food on the table, a warm and comfortable home and medical care that is caring and efficient (even if a little flummoxed at times) - and a family who love me - become eclipsed by anxiety for the future, both immediate and distant.
Yesterday I came across this video:
It spoke to me of how, even in the mess of life and the seeming chaos, ugliness and brokenness of illness there is order and beauty to be found - it all depends on a point of view.
As a Christian, I believe that God's perspective on my brokenness is one that sees me as beautiful, whole and unlimited.
Thank you for waiting for further posts: I'll get back to you. Soon.