Posh's Secret Diary

By popular demand, here is the skit I did for Sunday's 'Cafe Church' on 'Belonging'. Trust me, you didn't miss anything by not being there to hear my impression. More Jade Goody than Victoria Beckham.

13th July
Dear Diary
Well here we are at last in Sunny Los Angeles. Was v. pleased to see some old friends when we stepped off the plane, as most of the British tabloid photographers had gone on ahead of us. Fortunately me and David had had our hair done during the flight, and I managed to get me pout just right for all the front pages.

In the car on the way to the house we played ‘I spy someone more famous than Mummy’. Brooklyn spotted Cameron Diaz, who looked a bit rough. Cruz saw Britney Spears, who could also do with a bit of work. Then Romeo said ‘I spy daddy!’, so of course he won.

We watched the sun going down over the Hollywood sign.

I think we’re going to fit right in here.

15th July
Dear Diary
What a busy weekend it’s been! Me and David’ve hardly had time to gel our hair.
First David had to go and show his face at his new job. The other players look a bit worried, they’ve probably never seen a real footballer before. He showed them a couple of his moves, so I expect he’ll soon make friends.

Talking of new friends, Tom and Katie came round with Sherpa, or whatever their baby’s called (I can’t bear it when people pick silly names for their kids). I really like Katie, she seems really genuine and soon we were swapping addresses of our plastic surgeons and everything.

David and Tom stayed in the kitchen. I asked him what they were talking about afterwards and he said they were discussing whether using grey grouting would stop the problem of discolouration between the kitchen tiles. Oh, and whether Tom will get to be an operating Thetan if he keeps following the Church of Scientology.

It’s nice they’ve got so much in common.

18th July
Today we went out to a local restaurant for a nice quiet family meal, just us and about 20 photographers. I wanted to have something macrobiotic, like Gwynneth, but apparently I was in the wrong sort of restaurant; they only did supersizes of everything, and it wasn’t healthy. All the boys loved it. Will have to eat lettuce only for rest of week.

24th July
Dear Diary, I don’t mean to moan, but am really starting to get annoyed by being told to have a nice day all the time. Also being asked if I like it over here. And if I’m going to stay here. And if I like ‘soccer’. And if I know that Cruz is a girls name in Spain. These Americans are a bit predictable.
Still, seeing lots of Tom and Katie and little Scrunchie, and have met some other famous people too, though not as famous as us, of course. I think we’re starting to really belong here.

12th August
Funny sort of day. Went out for a drive and there wasn’t anyone waving at us. No pointing either. Romeo said, ‘Mummy, why aren’t those funny people pointing at us?’ I said don’t worry, darling, we’ll get out and go for a walkabout.

Went into a supermarket and there was Cameron Diaz, still looking a bit ropey behind the frozen peas. Still, between both of us you’d have thought we’d have managed at least one paparazzo. But nothing. Went to the checkout and the girl didn’t even look up, not even when she called for the supervisor to check the price of me plastic jugs.

These Americans just don’t do irony.

26th August.
The boys are getting ready to go to new schools. David’s started playing ‘soccer’ again. So it’s just me at home, practising me singing ready for the Spice Girls world tour (though David said: Babe, don’t worry too much. You’re the glamour. Specially now Gerrie’s let herself go all hippy).

Never mind, Katie’s still coming round quite a lot, even though they’ve got a nanny for little Sushi and she says she’s going back to work. I really like her. I’m thinking of getting a new tattoo, ‘Victoria and Katie: true friends forever’ in Arabic down my left leg. That’ll still leave me right leg for when I finally have a little girl.

Besides, I’m really settled here now, so I won’t really notice when they’ve all gone off somewhere. I’ve got me shopping channel, a fitness video to practice, and I need to work on a new pout.

Actually I like it on me own.

27th August
Dear Diary
Only 72 days until the Spice Girls meet up for the world tour…


bigdaddystevieB said…
brilliant... can't wait to read September?

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