Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Bra Drawers (may the corset be with you)
Yesterday in an underwear drawer far, far away...
So yesterday I finally got round to a task that I had been putting off far too long, namely sorting out my bra drawer. I've read stuff about women's knicker drawers, and seen that scene in Bridget Jones Diary when BJ faces the difficult choice of sexy knickers versus knickers that make your clothes look good. In women's bra drawers the options are far more complex. The categories are as follows:
1. The Holy Grail of bras - the bra that makes you look good in your clothes, good in your underwear, and is extremely comfortable. This bra does not technically exist, yet the modern woman is diligent in her perpetual quest. She seeks it here, she seeks it there. Occasionally I have heard rumours ("It's amazing! But I had to go to the same shop as the Queen uses, and pay a small fortune!") but invariably the tale sadly ends, "...but then I put it in the tumble dryer..." and so the quest begins again.
2. The assertive bra: makes believe you have the perfect pair of gravity-defying breasts, yet would be the last item in the world you'd be seen dead in. Life is cruel. Alternatively, the assertive bra is neon coloured (you thought the straps would look good; then remembered you weren't 19 any more).
3. The 'it's-so-comfy-I-can't-bear-to-throw-it-out' bra, despite the fact that it now has holes, is greyer than Eeyore, and holds your once-pert pair in a ground-grazing position. Possibly with a maternity easy-release catch, for midnight snacking.
4. The 'pretty' bra, usually with matching knickers; the sort of bra that your mother-in-law would be proud of.
5. Conversely, the opposite. Need I say more?
6. The origami bra. Strapless, halter neck or just plain 'multiway', these are tricky to negotiate and can result in injury. Not to be confused with 'motorway', although similar results when it all goes wrong.
7. The neutral bra: vital for wearing under more sheer fabrics, but no amount of re-branding (It's flesh-toned! It's natural! It's nude!) can detract from the fact that you're wearing beige.
8. The sports bra. Designed to give you zero bounce, it grips your vital assets so tightly that breathing becomes optional. No wonder the Williams sisters always grunt so hard on the court.
9. The 'hang-it-all-down-with-the-kids-wear-it-on-the-outside bra. On one optimistic and sunny day you bought this, thinking you'd wear it half peeking round the corner of a sarong or under a lacy and inadequate piece of knitwear. You never did.
10. And finally, the novelty bra. The female equivalent of ties with reindeer, these have cute cartoon animals or slogans. The current trend is for 'nautical' bras. Nautical! I ask you... can't see Captain Pugwash in these.
So, having ascertained that most of my bras fit into category 3, I replenished the drawer with loveliness yesterday (mostly category 4, thanks for asking) and then had to go through the painful process of actually throwing most things away. Out with the saggy, the baggy, the grey and the torn underwear of yesteryear! In with the hard-wired, scratchy-laced, assertively-padded and tightly-strapped!
As Princes Leia put it: "Help me, Oh bra-36B; you're my only hope."