Favourite Things

According to the adverts, women are obsessed with smells. We weep when we can no longer detect the fragrance of our air freshener. We throw ourselves bodily at inadequate young men wearing cheap deodorant. We rejoice when our home is filled with the odour of gravy, and delight in that of clean washing. Anyone would think we were nothing but walking olfactory organs.

Besides smells our interests venture little beyond fashion, food and fairly old-fashioned hobbies - that is, if you believe the women's magazines. Cream coloured ponies. Crisp apple strudels. That kind of thing. Oh, and visiting a certain budget frozen food shop is the obvious mark of true Madonna-esq motherhood.

After a fairly rubbish month I thought I'd write a ditty for the sisterhood to sing along to. Completely true, of course. Altogether now....

Perfume that makes me smell of Keira Knightley

Washing detergent that makes whites glow whitely

Finding my colours are Autumn or Spring

These are a few of my favourite things.

(Om-pom-pom, om-pom-pom x2)

Spandex that grips wobbly bits oh-so-tightly

Such things will bring me joy both day and nightly.

Plug-in air fresheners, and crisp pot pourri –

These are the things that will fill me with glee.

When my chin’s long

When the gin’s gone

When my hormones rule

I simply remember my favourite things

And then I can keep my cool.

More knitting patterns, so I can get knitting

Adverts for sofas so I can get sitting

Plates with a picture of William and Kate

These are the things I’m least likely to hate

(Om-pom-pom, om-pom-pom x2)

Fashion that suits me if I’m straight or curvy

Diets that protect against rickets and scurvy

Going to Iceland – the shop not the state –

Just some of the things I most appreciate

When I feel bad

When I look mad

When the world seems strange

I simply remember my favourite things

And then I know I’m deray –hay- anged!

And repeat, ad nauseum, until someone replaces the gin or the men in white coats come calling.