Monday, December 17, 2007

Leaving on a jet plane


Scene: check-in at the Easyjet desk at an airport near you. A nervous-looking older gentleman dressed in long red silk robes is carrying a small bag to the front of the queue. He is greeted by a weary young woman dressed unflatteringly in orange. Her badge informs us that her name is Stella.
Stella: Good morning Sir can you tell me your destination please?
Man: I'm not entirely sure. I set off in a westerly direction, pretty easy really since I originate from the East. But then there was rather a lot of cloud cover, and I got a bit disorientated. I think I need to head east again now.
Stella: That would be anywhere but Edinburgh then.
Man: Perfect. Whichever flight takes me the furthest.
Stella: Can I check your passport please? (He hands it over) That's fine Sir. Nice beard, you've grown it even longer since that photo.
Man: Yes, the beard seems to go with the job.
Stella: What do you do?
Man: I'm a sage.
Stella: A what, Sir?
Man: A sage.
Stella: I'm sorry, I thought that was a herb.
Man: No, no. It's a thinker, a generally wise person (Stella looks blank). A philosopher. A guru. (still blank). An astronomer. A star-gazer.
Stella. Oooh. I'm Sagittarius myself. Is it just yourself travelling today? I seem to have you down for three seats.
Man: That's a common misconception. Because of the three gifts. People always assume there are three of me. (Stella looks somewhat disbelieving). Oh, all right. The other two went skiing instead.
Stella: So...did you pack that bag yourself, Sir?
Man: Oh, yes.
Stella (she reels off): Can you confirm that you have no knivessharpimplementsaerosolsorgascylinders?
Man: Yes. I mean, no, I don't.
Stella: And that you are not carrying any liquids onto the plane, other than verified medicines for the flight?
Man: Er...I do have a bottle of myrrh.
Stella: And that's a medicine, is it, Sir?
Man: In a manner of speaking. It's for embalming. Dead bodies.
Stella: (Pause...) ...Are you planning a terminal event whilst on board, Sir?
Man: No, no...it's just that it comes as part of a set. A gift set, you see. Along with the gold. And the frankincense.
Stella: Nice. Is that from the Body Shop?
Man: Not exactly. Look, it's very important. I don't want to risk it to the hold. And I don't have time to wait in baggage reclaim. I'm running late, what with the cloud cover and the breakdown on the motorway. I never knew it was possible for a camel to have a blow-out in the fast lane.
Stella: Well, I don't know. I don't think they'll let you, but you could try putting it in one of those see-through wallet things. You'll have to pay duty on the gold though.
Man: Fine, fine.
Stella: And you're going to have to take them robes off to get through security. Do you have anything underneath them?
Man: Of course I do. It is December, and I am a wise man, you know.
Stella: Pardon me Sir, I was just asking.
Man: Not at all. Just one more thing - would it be possible for me to get a seat by the window? I'd like to keep an eye on that star...

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